Dare I say again that I am proud to be an Iowan? Yes, yes I do.

I start crying. Why can’t I manage this one my own? Why does the government assume that because I have no money that I have no brains, either? Why is this dingbat in charge of my well being? I’m glad she pulled the Cymbalta, I also use that for pain management and the dose recently changed. But the Lyrica is what makes the difference between being functional and staring at the walls for days on end. I am overwhelmed with physical pain. I have gotten used to it, so my mood has improved, and I am able to start participating in life again, but I wear out quickly. I am at about 20% functionality from where I was before the supply ran out. Don’t I deserve better than this?

Finding Judaism in the everyday is rare. There are cultural reference all over the place for Christianity, but Jewish themes are hard to find. I don’t have a need for them, but am always delighted when they sneak in and I can relate to something on a deeper level. I can hear more than just a song in songs like this, and that really is what it is about. I don’t know where I stand on faith, but hearing a Jewish song about King David set to blues music brings me comfort. “And even though it all went wrong I’ll stand before the lord of song with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah.” I miss having faith like that. Not sure I miss it enough to have it again, but sometimes I wish I did.

This film is moving. It is presented with great sadness, as a member of the community has died. It is also presented with a sense of fear, for the owner of the horse was brought up on murder charges as well as animal abuse charges. But is it abuse? It was the man who died, the horse was left uninjured. I do not approve of bestiality, and refuse to even address it in my business (I own an adult hotline) but that doesn’t mean that I fully understand all of the issues surrounding the practice, or the ethics involved.

No good answers come from this film. Compassion for everyone involved is easy to come by. A man died, no matter what he was doing that is a sad thing. The horse was rescued and most of his genitalia was removed, fearing the people involved would come after him. All of the aspects that make for a good film where present: mood, lighting, color theory, storyline, etc. The subject matter was uncomfortable, but important. How far is too far? Are animals harmed in this sort of thing? Prior to this case (which occurred outside of Seattle) the state of Washington did not have laws against bestiality, it does now. Are the people who do this involved in a meaningful relationship the animals? Are the animals involved in a meaningful relationship with the people? When a horse mounts a man and he dies, who is the victim here?

I don’t know. As I said, I don’t approve, but having watched this film, I am a bit closer to understanding.

I officially ran out on Sunday, but it lingers a bit in the system. Yesterday wasn’t pretty, today I feel like death warmed over. This isn’t a work from home day, it’s a work from bed day, if I can work at all. I was supposed to reapply (again) for food stamps, and visit a friend for lunch. That would have been a free meal, and potentially other food, too. Sadly, I spent the better part of an hour getting to the kitchen to get some water, and forgetting it when I got there.

I’m in the red, and my credit cards are full. I sure hope the meds come soon. I suppose after a while I’ll get used to feeling like this again, and it won’t seem to bad. Right now, I’m in too much pain to cry, and too disoriented to do much else.

Add to the mess that Ayun has bailed on taking the younger two cats (oh sure, she’s offered again, but I am too tired to keep guessing which are lies and which aren’t). So now instead of having one cat to find a home for, I have three. Chances are they will all end up at a shelter soon, since I’m in no condition to care for them at the moment.

I have a lot of work to do, in terms of business. luna has been fabulous in helping me to get the website going, and I have so many wonderful ideas. Just as soon as I have a brain to work with again, things are going to look really great. I am going to try to get some writing done today, at least drafts, since I don’t trust myself to write well right now. I am confident that as soon as I get this together, that my business will be able to grow, and my financial life will be able to improve. It’s just a matter of time.

Also, while the semester is over, I still have one course to finish. I took this course over the internet and barely got started on it. My goal was one lesson per day, but I’m not getting any solid reading done right now, so that’s on hold as well. The entire semester is due July 15th, and I’ve only gotten 1 of 15 lessons done.

Remember those Calgon commercials from the 80s? Yea, that.

ETA: Just received an email from my counselor at the medication assistance program at the hospital where my doctor is. The script sat on her desk for an extended period of time, she says, due to a new computer system that had some bugs. She’s terribly sorry, the meds should be here in about 2 weeks, maybe even as soon as 10 days.

She’s sorry. How… nice. Last quarter is was the medication that allows me to get the 2-4 hours of sleep per night that I get. She was sorry then, too. Things got backed up then, too. In that case, the medication had come in, she just hasn’t sent it to the pharmacy so I could pick it up. I know beggars shouldn’t be so picky, but come on. I rely on these medications. If I can’t have them, fine. But not having them because my so-called advocate doesn’t bother to do the paperwork involved (and I’m not allowed to do it myself) then what?

I have been single now for a few months, and my last sub, boy was she a handful. She gave me a wonderful view of what I do not want leaving me to second guess what it is that I do want. Sure we all have the ideal in mind, but is it achievable? There is an element of fantasy in this lifestyle, but can that be real? I don’t know the answers as of now, but I am enjoying the journey of exploration.

I have been in contact through networking website, with a number of subs, most of whom I have not formed any sort of connection with. The ones I have, well they have given me inspiration and hope that the life I desire is possible. Naturally there is no way to know for sure what these connections really look like until we meet in person, but right now I am in touch with three subs, each of which I am making plans to meet, each of which represent an area of interest for me, that do not overlap. I have a desire to create a little family with them, though I’m not sure that outside of the lifestyle, they would have much in common. I have a room to rent, and all three are interested in moving away from where they live now.

What strikes me about all of this is how different these people are from the subs I have had in the past. When each of them first contacted me, my instinct was to say that I am not looking for what they represent, but when I looked further within myself, I realized that I do like what they are suggesting, it’s just that I haven’t done some of this stuff before. I have been upfront about that. This is a learning curve for me as well. I have never had a sub who provided for me a safe enough dynamic for me to explore my limits. Doms have limits that need to be pushed, too. We are responsible for pushing our own limits, but we can’t do that unless the sub provides for us a sense of security, safety, and trust that would allow us to do so.

All of this thinking may be for nothing. I haven’t met these three yet, we may have no chemistry at all in person. But they have opened my eyes to ways areas of myself that I hadn’t previously explored, and for this I am grateful. There is a chance though, that I may be in the early stages of pulling together the life that I have wanted to live for a long time. I am hopeful, exploring a reasonable amount of caution, and a bit excited too. No matter what happens, I am being proactive about my future in a way that I haven’t been in quite a while.

The really strange thing about these three, is that they are all men. Straight men (though at times a bit flexible). Not a woman in the bunch. How about them apples.

And…here we go!

1. If we had no winter we would have no sense of renewal when it ended

2. Orgasms are a perpetual astonishment.

3. If I had my life to live over I’d face my fears sooner.

4. Rise and retire inside of four and twenty hours.

5. If you’ve never been thrilled you’ve never been with me

6. To be interested in the changing seasons is to be aware of the world around you.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to going to services, tomorrow my plans include get a lot of writing done and Sunday, I want to turn a profit!

My idea of fun is an evening spent with highly intelligent people, bantering about whatever is on our mind, perhaps politics or social events, or weird facts. Something that can be checked, that requires an education to understand. Science, history, anthropology, all of it. I want to be challenged. I want to learn. I want to teach. I want to be around people who know more than I do about some things. I want to be inspired. I want to see the world through other people’s eyes.

Much of what draws me to this lifestyle is the pursuit of intellectualism. I take what I do seriously. I love what I do and how I live. I have a handful of friends who live in similar ways as me. Perhaps not the same, but with the same mindful attention to details, and I find this exhilarating. When I go out into the BDSM world, I am seeking an opportunity to share, teach, learn, grown, commune. I hunger to be who I am in a public sense. I long to talk about what I am going through and dealing with, and the ups and downs of life, with people who can actually relate to my life. The thing is, these people are really hard to find.

There are a lot of social groups related to the BDSM lifestyle. Most of them however, offer little more than bar meets and play parties. I enjoy play parties, but ones that have alcohol served at them shock and startle me. I find alcohol to be absolutely contrary to the way I live. Everything I do is about consent, and alcohol removes the ability to give it. It brings in risk and danger, poor judgment and slowed/slurred responses. Why on earth would it be appropriate to participate in risky behavior with people who are intoxicated? Even if it’s just a discussion group, why would I want to share my intimate life with people who are drunk? If they even remember what I’ve told them, they can’t possibly respond in a mindful or thoughtful way. They are not focused, they are intoxicated.

I go to gatherings of like minded people in order to connect. Half the time when I get there, it’s a drunken display of self indulgences which I cannot relate to. It isn’t that I haven’t tried, it’s just that these environments are foreign to everything that matters to me. The kicker is that there are others at these events who I really want to connect with, who like me are little more than wall flowers. I keep going to bar meets because I am trying to sift out the gems from the drunks, despite the loud music and the dim lights, the drunken unwanted passes. If another lifestyler touches me, I will not be responsible for my actions, um hello CONSENT?!?!?!

But I digress.

I have had a very difficult life, and due to my health I have to pick and choose how I will spend the finite amount of energy that I have. Do I continue to enter environments that I know to be unenjoyable in the hopes that I find the experiences I am looking for, or do I stay away and limit myself only to expereinces that I know are worth my time. I don’t mean to be anti-social, I just have to decide what my time is worth. I have a lot to offer, but only if I can do so without being compromised. Being in alcoholic environments compromises everyone. Those who host these events are out to have a good time, and I say go for it. But count me out. I am worth more than that.

A whole lot of you are wasting my time, so I’m going to tell you how it is. Listening? Paying attention? Good.

If you want to meet a Dom/Domme/Top/Mistress/Master/Whatever, KNOW WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR. When someone with the above mentioned self description asks you “what are you looking for” be prepared to answer. Simply saying that you want whatever the domme wants (since I’m a female Dom, this is the title usually stuck on me) only demonstrates that you are a brainless idiot. If you want to be humiliated, say so. If you want to explore pain play, say so. If you are a pet who is seeking an owner, say so. If you want to suck the toes of a strong willed woman, SAY SO. It is not enough to say that as a sub/slave/bottom/whatever, that you do not have preferences. You do. You are human, even if you do not wish to be treated as one.

Additionally, EVERYONE HAS HARD LIMITS. The notion of turning over 100% of your power is the stuff fantasies are made of. Sure, hardcore players get to the point where it seems like there are no hard limits involved anymore, but there are. Most of us (and isn’t it sad that we even have to say this?) most of us won’t play with animals or children. Most of us won’t commit murder or remove a digit to demonstrate loyalty. Most of us have the need to interact with the vanilla world without obvious marks. Most of us require food and water and exercise. Most of us do not wish to be locked in the basement when a fire starts, without the ability to break free. As a sub, it is okay to have limits and preferences. In the end the dom may push your limits and ignore your preferences, but that is up to them. Having them to begin with is up to you.

But back to D/s matchmaking, since this is what has been getting on my nerves lately. Once you have a dom’s attention, be prepared to communicate, and not just about preferences. The notion that subs should be seen and not heard makes it nearly impossible to get to know someone on the internet. When a dom asks you a question, answer it in complete sentences. If a dom wants minimalistic yes/no answers, they will tell you. Assume however, that rules of communication apply in all situations. Assume that like any other context, that being intelligent bodes well for your happiness. Be polite and be respectful, but be who you are.

I always meet a potential sub as two equal human beings. Unless we have negotiated other terms, that is exactly who and what we are. I always meet potential subs in public places that are conducive to conversations. Usually a coffee house because for under five dollars I can enjoy a nice coffee, and with some anonymity, we can communicate.

The first time a sub comes to my home, I encourage them to set up a safe call. This is a call that allows a third party to intervene in the event that you do not feel safe. This is for your safety, and needs to be honored. If our first private meeting is in your home, I will do the same. A person is never too old to be aware of stranger danger. On the chance that I am meeting a person who doesn’t really understand the lifestyle, I deserve a way to be safe. You do as well.

In the end, if you cannot articulate what you want, you aren’t going to find what you are looking for. I have been annoyed to no end at the number of people who have found my profile on a social networking site, who cannot tell me what they are interested in. I know what I want. Do you? If you don’t, how can you know if what I have to offer is of interest to you? And why why why why WHY would anyone start up a conversation with me if they have nothing to say?

Please do not waste my time. If you are going to bother sending me a message, be prepared to introduce yourself. Be prepared to answer basic questions about yourself. And be prepared for a conversation. Like with any relationship, you have to get to know one another. Do yourself a favor and present yourself as best as you can. Be honest and accurate, but present yourself in a favorable light. Intelligence is a good thing. Common sense is important. Grace, class, and integrity are a part of what makes an ideal sub.

And one last thing: My name is Areli. I am not your Mistress. As of this writing, I do not have any collared subs. If I did, they would be the only people who should call me Mistress (or Master, depending on my mood). I prefer Sir to Ma’am, but either are appropriate when referring to me with an honorific. The thing is, I don’t require it.

First and foremost, we are equal humans. If we negotiate terms of a D/s relationship, then I will tell you how to address me. Until that time, my name is Areli. This is what you should call me. Other than those who have or will serve me, there is one sub who calls me Sir. She is a close friend and my subs likewise refer to her Dom as Sir. It is a matter of respect, and I have never asked her to call me as such, nor would I. She is not my sub, it is not for me to tell her what to do. Titles are earned. If someone in your life hasn’t earned a title, don’t give it to them. If you are emailing me on a social networking site, I am a stranger to you. It is appropriate for you to call me by my name or by whatever handle I am using on the site. Nothing more. Needless cowtowing is not becoming. I find it annoying, not flattering. Don’t worry, I’ll do things in your life which will impress you. But give me a chance to do them, we haven’t even met yet!